2nd time in as many weeks, in a depressive slump. Just in time for the work weekend.
It's the numbness & flatness & falsity of my Being in this world that's doing my head in r.n.
I have exactly one close friend; one close friend from my Old Life; and I can't seem to form any other attachments. I'm having bad dreams about self-harming & being in a schizoid war with my own self. I overslept by an hour today and it's pretty much ruined my brain. Tried getting out, drawing, reading, walking, etc. But everything is a slog and I can't stop thinking about the dream.
I wish I could afford therapy. I wish I believed therapy would be of any use. As it is forcing myself to follow my own program, my own regimen of activity & health, is something of a battle. Thank fuck I'm not an alcoholic or some other kind of junky or this would intolerable. Because I know a pill or a smoke or a drink isn't going to do anything useful.
Fuck, I dunno. Every day I wake up in a country where the highest office in the land has decided people like my husband & I are the enemy within, and to paint targets on people like us. How can we not be depressed in a culture where the president wakes up and signs a bullshit slip of paper meant to define gender?
But anger isn't the emotion, right now. Right now I don't even have that. I'm just exhausted, flat as a toothpaste tube slit open and rinsed clean of its contents. I don't want to be fifty. My brain is younger than this.
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